Sirius Love
by Lillei
Summary: After Sirius's death, Harry and Remus have a little talk. Dedicated to Ninde Annare.


For Ninde Annare, who always reviews even the worst ficlets, who inspires me, and gives constructive criticism. This is in no way worthy of your talent, but I thought that you deserved a shout out. Plus, I'm hoping you'll update! 

Disclaimer; I tried to say it was mine, but Jo found out and wanted my penguins. I have to come clean…for the good of those little tuxedo birds who fly when no one's watching and steal my sanity.

Not much happens in this fanfic, there's not much plot, and it's really short. Basically, it me stringing a whole bunch of ideas of what I think Harry's going to go through emotionally into one short ficlet.

**Sirius Love**

"Hullo Harry," Remus Lupin greeted the sixteen year old. His hand reached for Harry's shoulder and guided him from the overbearing presence of Mrs. Weasley. Despite his dull eyes and vacant expression, he seemed relieved to be rid of the doting woman.

"I expect your trip was tiring," Remus said lightly. "Let me walk you to your room." Remus took his bags, guiding him up the stairs to Sirius's old room.

"I won't be staying in _here_, will I?" Harry asked sharply, his voice strangled with emotion and sounded rough, as if he were out of the habit of using it.

"Not if you don't want to," Remus said immediately, remembering how moody Harry had been last year. He was sure that now, after everything that had happened, his mood swings would be _much_ more frequent.

Harry sighed in relief. "Would you prefer a different bedroom?" Harry went to nod immediately, but then stopped. His eye fell on the bed of his late godfather, the bookshelf with his knickknacks and defense toys, and he hesitated.

"I'll just put your stuff down and you can decide later," Remus said. Harry nodded and sat slowly on the bed, breathing in deeply with his eyes closed, searching for signs of Sirius in the room.

Remus took that opportunity to observe him. Though it was obvious he was coping badly with the death of his godfather, he had grown a few inches taller. His face had matured, though his eyes seemed sunken into his skull. Cheekbones protruded from his face sharply, as well as the points of his elbows and knees.

"I'm not going to ask you how your doing," Remus said kindly. "I can tell that you're taking this badly."

"_Oh_?" Harry said, suddenly sharp. "How am I supposed to be taking this? Oh, boo hoo, let's have a party to make me feel better! _IS THAT WHAT YOU THINK I SHOULD BE DOING?"_ He yelled so loudly that Remus, with his sensitive werewolf ears, flinched. "I'm doing the best I _bloody_ can!" A few knickknacks fell from the bookshelf, including a book.

Remus walked over and picked it up, flipping through it almost casually.

"Sirius would have wanted you to have this," he said as though Harry hadn't just blown up. He handed the book to him. Harry opened it angrily. His face froze suddenly. It was a picture album.

"Professor Lupin," he said, suddenly calm. "Are all these from your school years?"

"Yes," Remus said, peering at the book as well. "But _really_ Harry, I was only your professor for a year. Calling me by my given name is perfectly acceptable."

"But Prof- Remus," Harry said. "I've got a picture album-"

"Of your parents. This is of _us_- The Marauders." His voice was strangled with emotion.

Harry turned the pages slowly at first, then fast, as though he were starving and this were food.

"That's Sirius!" He kept saying. "There he is. It's like I could talk to him!" Remus watched as tears welled up in Harry eyes, observed as he angrily wiped them away.

"It's okay to cry Harry. It proves that you're still-"

"Human, yeah, _yeah_, so I've heard. But what if I don't _want to have to commit murder_, huh?"

"The fact that you care proves furthermore that you are so much better the Voldemort will ever be!"

"Whatever," Harry muttered savagely. And then-

"Remus?" Harry asked, the fight gone out of him. "That room, in…_that place_…the one that's always locked? Dumbledore said the force in there is the same force that will help me triumph over Voldemort. He said that it was…my heart."

"Yes, Harry," Remus said softly. "What's in your heart is love."

"But then why," Harry ventured, almost afraid of the answer. "Were my dad and mum not able to beat him? What about Sirius and the Longbottoms?"

"Harry," Remus said soothingly. "They just weren't destined to."

"But," Harry said, mood shifting to irritable. "Did they even _really_ love anyone? I mean, besides my mum. Did he even love _her_? She was just a game for him, _let's see when Lily will break down and go out with me_! He wasn't loving Remus! He wasn't! And Sirius was just as awful. Look at what he did to Snape!"

Remus jumped from his chair. He knew better, he _definitely_ knew better than to fuel the fire, he knew that Harry was in a delicate condition, but he had no right, _**no right**_ to talk like that, about something he barely understood.

"You're father wasted four years becoming an animagi for someone most the wizarding world shunned. He saved his worst enemy from_ that very same person_. He showed sacrifice with death eaters- always tried to bring them in alive. You're father was amazing and he loved Lily, loved her! And you shouldn't talk about things you can't understand!

"And Sirius! Well, Sirius was an ornery one, there's no doubt about that! But he loved his friends to the point of death, he was almost too loyal at times! He covered for us a number of times. He even loved the family that scorned him, if truth be told. He too became an animagi for me. What you saw him and James doing? In a way, that was love. They loved Snape for giving them something to hate, to contemplate, to challenge their thoughts.

"And the Longbottoms. You know _nothing_ of them! It's awful of you to even think such a thing. Are you saying they deserved it, because- oh!- they weren't loving?"

Remus breathed in deeply and sat down promptly in a chair, fully expecting Harry to blow up. To his immense surprise, he began to cry, curled up on Sirius's old bed and buried his nose in the pillow and sniffled.

"Harry?" Remus asked hesitantly.

"I _loath_ you," he muttered from under the pillow. "I HATE YOU!"

"I hate you too, Harry," Remus said. He heard a stifled laugh from under the pillow, but Harry turned his back on him.

"You're not the only one who lost somebody, Harry," Remus whispered at him. The silenced pressed. "We all did. And it doesn't make your pain less, or anymore insignificant. But we all lost somebody."

"I hate you," Harry said again, but the bite was gone from his voice. Remus sat down on the bed and put a hand on Harry's shoulder.

"We should talk Harry. Please. I know what it's like, to feel different. To feel alone, like everyone you've ever loved is gone. I know. So talk to me."

Harry sat up slowly. His face was tinged with red and his eyes were swollen, though he rubbed at them in an attempt to look unconcerned. He glanced around the room, took in the knickknacks and Sirius's bed, the curtains and the walls with posters Sirius had put up in an attempt to make the place feel more like home. He turned to Remus and slowly, he began to talk.

"Have you ever been in love Remus?" he asked.

"I have," Remus whispered.

"Me too. It wasn't parental love, like I must have felt for Mum and Dad. And it wasn't friendly love. And it wasn't this-is-one-of-my-dad's-best-friends-and-is-even-a-cool-person-love. It was something else. A mix of that. I guess the only name for it is Sirius Love…"


End file.
